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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

The Ten Commandments

- As you might have seen, the Vatican last week issued its Ten Commandments of Driving, with exhortations ranging from the basic You shall not kill to more friendly-sounding suggestions such as Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.

Left at the Gate has obtained exclusively the Vatican's Ten Commandments of going to the track, and they read as follows:

1 -- You shall not kick.
2 -- Be supportive and kind to the families of those who are throwing a tantrum after being nosed out with a 28-1 shot in the final leg of the Pick Four.
3 -- You shall not gamble. Er, well....not too much.
4 -- Refrain from loud screaming and jumping up and down to celebrate winning show bets on horses going off at less than 8-5.
5 -- You may use the name of the Lord sparingly, and only in certain constructive situations...such as "Oh God, please let me get lucky just this one time," or "Please God, don't let them take him down." You may not use the name of the Lord to attack or disparage any of His divine creatures, or in any phrases such as "You Goddamn motherf-----."
6 -- Complete your handicapping and make your selections before you get to the windows. Please!
7 -- Charitably convince and counsel the young and inexperienced to never take less than 2-1 on a horse trying to do something that it's never done before.
8 -- Avoid striking others when whipping yourself with the Racing Form during the stretch run, and when hurling it away after you lose.
9 -- Restrict use of recreational drugs to designated areas, such as the grass apron on the clubhouse turn at Aqueduct.
10 -- Never, ever swear to God when you say "I'm never coming back here again!!!" Because you know you will.

6 Comments:

Sportsline said...

AWESOME!
Thanks for the laugh!

Anonymous said...

pretty week, you could have done so much better!!!

Jolene said...

Haha!

Ummm, and not pretty "week". LOL

Anonymous said...

#7 - aka the Harvey Pack commandment.

Great job, forwarded to many.

alan said...

Nice job picking up on the Harvey Pack thing. (Unless you're Pete.)

Case said...

This should be the Golden Rule.

6 -- Complete your handicapping and make your selections before you get to the windows. Please!

I was at the track a few years ago and a middle aged woman was thumbing through her form and s l o w l y recitng her wagers. I voiced my diapproval and she turned and told me to f off. I was pissed but I walked away and chided myself for not choosing a different window.

About a year later, the same scenario, I say out loud to speed things up, and who turns around but the same frickin lady. I quicly headed for the auto tote machine.

About 3 months later I'm in a diner reading a newspaper waiting for the waitress ... I look up and the server is my nemesis, the handicapping at the window lady. We both knew it but neither said a word and I just prayed she refrained from spitting in my sandwich. I'd like to believe that she didn't soil my lunch and I left a decent tip ... I hope our cold war is over.